This morning, I almost found out what makes me fascinating. Marie Forleo collaborated with Sally Hogshead and I was going to be able to take a Fascination Advantage test (free to the first 500 people). I registered. I took the first page of the test. Boy, did I want to know what makes me fascinating. I wanted to “discover my unique personal brand and leverage my personality’s #1 advantage.” Ooo, I could taste it! I wanted that outside advice on who I am and what I could be. (Did I mention that I am putty in the hands of good marketing copy?) My browser wound and wound and wound with a “processing…” message on the screen. After waiting one moment shy of forever, I tried to login again. Error. I tried again. Error. Sigh.
Then I started giggling as I realized the monsters had hijacked me again. Christine Arylo did a nice video this month about discerning between – in her vocabulary – “Inner Wisdom and the self-sabotage of your Inner Mean Girl or Inner Mean Dude.” I would say between the sacred and the monsters.
The monsters say I should get your opinion before taking action. The monsters say you would know better than I how this should be done. Taking action and using my own ideas is risky. I might be wrong and then you will abandon me and I cannot survive alone.
Much safer, the monsters say, to get the expert’s opinion on what makes me who I am. Much more glorious, they shriek, to be about building a brand and leveraging advantages. That sounds strong. That sounds like it will make other people pay attention and move closer to me.
When I am in my sacred mind, I know I want to go deep, to recognize beauty, to plunge into joy, to allow for mystery. Having everything tacked down and certified would be more comfortable, but less real.
Christine is right: my body tells the story. I feel the difference between the adrenaline rush and tightness and push of desperate, manufactured need versus the quiet breathing and opening and embrace of trust.
I sink into soul.
I dive into mystery.
I dissolve into light.